Ugh...I don't know anymore

So I was supposed to get drinks with Ben last week. He flew off to Houston randomly for work (found out on Wednesday). My warning signals started to go off. But then he asked if I wanted to do something this weekend. So again, I was a little confused because it sounded like he still wanted to see me. So I called him on Thursday and left a message asking if he wanted to go see a movie maybe on Saturday. He text me Saturday afternoon saying he got in late and would be taking it easy that night. Which is weird b/c that's exactly what a movie is, but oh well. And there was no mention of future plans. So I am pretty sure that things are no longer. It's not a definite, but our communication all last week continued to put up red flags for me and then confuse me. I am disappointed and frustrated. I finally was starting to feel like there was nothing majorly wrong with me. I had continuous dates, sober kisses, and he was a gentleman. It was an incredible feeling. And I know that it was way early on in the "relationship" (for lack of a better word) but still, I had hopes for the future. If he calls, great. But I am not holding my breath.

I guess, the only other thing is to go back to the drawing board, although I don't want to. I know people are always telling me to practice and I get good stories or even dates out of it, but I want to quit. I hate this. I hate feeling dejected for unknown reasons. I hate being alone, but I hate the process even more. I honestly don't want to do this anymore. I know I have the choice, but I already feel like it would be the bad one if I chose not to continue going out.

So that leads us to...
Match #4

He is white, 6'1", 27, works in the government, lives in Reston, and says he is a Christian.
What is interesting about Match #4 is that he was the 1st person to ask me those stupid 1st 5 questions when I signed up mid-February. So...2 months ago. And we are just now at the final stage. I am pretty sure that he started dating someone and that didn't work out so now he is starting over. He seems like an ok fellow. Nothing too creepy about him; no mention of thongs or Saturday night/Sunday morning proposals. He asked me if I wanted to get together last weekend, but I was really busy so I suggested maybe coffee this week. He responded with Wednesday. I don't have anything going on, so physically I can do it. Though mentally and emotionally I feel like a robot. It's not exciting for me anymore. I am just waiting to be disappointed which is a horrible feeling.

And then there is Match #5
He is white, 6'2", 25, drives a pedicab (I am not lying), lives in Springfield, and also says he is a Christian. He is a Patriots fan, so that is a huge plus, but I am not getting a great vibe from him for some reason. Sure, I can be optimistic and give him a try anyway, but I am just not too confident about him. Maybe it's the fact that he rides a bike for work, or perhaps something else. He did give me his number and said that he can text all day if I feel like doing that. Okay, what? I find that a little strange, but maybe I am wrong.

So I guess I am going out on Wednesday, but I really don't want to. I would like to go back in time and erase last week with Ben and do it over. Or maybe God will rain down my future husband. That would be wonderful. With a sign that says, "Isabelle." Like the ones chauffeurs have when they pick up their guest at the airport.

As always, I will keep you posted. But I need a jolt to get me out of this cynical, cat lady funk.

Match #3, Date #2

I went on my 2nd date with Ben on Friday. I will try to tell only the highlights so it's not too long.

He picked me up a little after 6:30 and we drove (in his Lexus) to Chinatown where we went to this really nice sushi restaurant. We ordered edamame as an appetizer, then 4 different types of sushi to share, and the wine tasting option. This means that they bring you 3 different types of wine throughout the meal. We were just talking about all sorts of things. Lila and Sophie gave me some topic ideas. And for the record, I am awful at chopsticks. It was embarrassing, but also kind of great b/c we were laughing really hard about a particular piece that I had. It was huge, so the blame is not all mine. I am ashamed at how I must have looked trying to eat it. Ben was pretending to look away, but I know that he was watching, horrified and amused.

We then walked to Metro Center station where we took the metro to Dupont Circle. We walked to a cafe/bookstore place for dessert. After we put our names on the waiting list we each used the bathroom and then waited for them to call us. We were seated and the dessert menu was amazing. He ordered his favorite: peach cobbler, and I ordered the mixed berry crumble. We also got Hot Scotch which is hot chocolate mixed with butterscotch schnapps. It was delicious. I was drinking so much water b/c everything was so sweet. We continued to talk and were making jokes about our plan for the rest of the night: go to Adams Morgan and eat at the Jumbo Slice, then go somewhere else and eat some more (I forgot what it was), and then end the night at Ihop. I had to go to the bathroom again, but felt weird going twice in the same spot, so I decided to hold it.

We got back on the metro and took it to Chinatown to get the car. Then he drove us to the monuments. PS: I am very cold at this point. I have a skirt, lacy top, and a short, thin sweater. My fashion expert, when choosing my outfit, forgot that when the sun goes down, it gets chilly. His plan was to start at the WWII Memorial, then to the Jefferson Memorial (b/c he knew TJ is my favorite president), and finally to the FDR Memorial. When we were leaving the Jefferson to go to the FDR one, we started walking in the wrong direction. He grabbed my hand and said that we should go the other way. And then we continued to hold hands. It was absolutely amazing. No guy has ever held my hand before. I didn't want to let go. The feeling of comfort I felt is hard to express. Ben suggested we sit for a little when we reached the FDR Memorial. We went to a bench by the river. It was really peaceful and nice to finally sit after all of that walking. We continued talking and asking each other questions, and then he said, "I have a good one. Are you a good kisser?" He is pretty smooth when he asks these types of questions, I have to say. I replied that I thought so since no one had complained. He said that he would just have to see for himself. So we started kissing. It was pretty nice. It was also the 1st kiss I have ever had where both parties were sober. I lead a very sad and pathetic life. We heard people coming near so we broke apart. He made a strange comment about me being alright or something like that. I told him that he was not to bad himself. But I couldn't completely tell if he was being funny or actually kind of insulting. We decided to head back to the car since it was getting late. I was really cold at this point and he offered me his jacket. I seriously had to go to the bathroom now, but there were no bathrooms in sight!

We were walking back to the car, holding hands again. Love that. We were still talking and one of his questions was what is my favorite flower. I couldn't help thinking that he might get them for me. We were waiting to cross the street when he asked me if I thought we had walked off the dessert yet. I said that I thought we had, but perhaps not the Hot Scotch. He opened the car door for me and then when we were both buckled, he said that he wanted to work off a little more of the Hot Scotch. So he leaned in and kind of turned my head towards him. We kissed more and then unfortunately stopped. He started to drive me home. When we were close, he asked me if I was going to be much busier now that Spring Break is over. I said that I shouldn't be too busy, just a little grading here and there. He asked me if I would like to hang out again next week. I said that I would. He then said that he would call me in a couple of days to plan something. He walked me to my door and we kind of made out again, at my doorstop. We parted and I went inside and then ran to the bathroom. It is 1:30 AM! My date lasted 7 hours! And I had to pee for about 4 of those hours. Thanks goodness I am a teacher and have a trained bladder.

So post-date thoughts: 1) a 2nd date lasting 7 hours, that's a good sign right? 2) And the fact that we kissed 3 times is also a good sign, right? I mean, I can't be that bad if we kissed 3 times. 3) I think I am starting to really like this guy and I am afraid that he won't call. I mean he hasn't let me down so far, but for the 1st time, I am getting excited about a guy. I want him to call. I want to continue down this path that I am on and see what it's like to be dating someone. I think I deserve it. I am 26 years old and am a good person. I deserve a little happiness and excitement in my life. But it has already been a couple of days. What if I blew it on the date? Or at the end of it? What if he is not interested anymore? I just hope he calls.

Match #3

Okay, so Match #1 has not written back since his question asking me about thongs vs. boyshorts and I responded with my permission that he could wear thongs if he wanted to.

So...on to Match #3!!

Match #3 is 27, a CPA, 6 Ft, Asian, and lives in Alexandria. We had been e-mailing back and forth and then he asked me if I wanted to meet up. He was real polite about it, asking me if it was too soon, we could wait. I said, let's go for it.

We met at a coffee shop in McLean at 6:30 last night. I got there a little early so I waited in my car and watched people walk in. I was pretty sure he had just gone inside, so I decided to leave the comfort of my car and walk in. he was fixing his coffee and sort of waiting at the door at the same time. I walked in and he turned around. I thought he was really cute at first. We were sort of just staring at each other and I asked if he was Ben. He said yes and I said I was Isabelle. We shook hands and did the "nice to meet you" business. I went to go get my tea (I gave coffee up for lent) and then met him back at the "mixing station." If was kind of cool out, but not many seats inside, so we grabbed a table outside. Thank goodness for heat lamps. Unfortunately, I never unzipped my jacket to show my outfit ensemble, but it was too cold.

We talked a lot about all of the normal date topics. Favorite x, y, and z. Where did you go to school? What do you do? Why did you join eharmony? etc. etc. etc. He is actually pretty funny. I mean not laugh out loud-hold your sides funny, but he actually has a sense of humor which is a must for me. He is also very nice. We were playing "would you rather" though not the dirty version of course. Would you rather go out or cook? He would rather cook. Score one for me! Would you rather go out during the week or weekend? We both said weekend for big things, but week for smaller things. Pancakes or waffles? Both said pancakes. And then he said that he had a really good one but didn't want to say it yet. I was intrigued, but didn't want to press too much. We played a little more and then he did his final one. Would you rather make future plans now or have me call you? Aww, it was kind of cute. I said that we could make initial plans now and then he could call if he wanted to. We decided that the best night would be Friday. He wants to go sight-seeing around DC since it's supposed to be nice. I am kind of excited. I don't usually walk around DC at night for leisure. And I am super pumped that it is supposed to be nice out. At least, I think we are going out at night. He has to work, so I can't imagine that we would be going during the day.

He said that he was also going to call me later and we can confirm plans. It has been so effing long since I last had a 2nd date. Like a seriously really sad, long time. I am excited about the whole thing. I like him. He is nice and funny and smart and tall. He is actually 6ft tall and not fake online 6ft tall, which is key since I am 5'10". We decided to head out since it was getting to be late. He walked me to my car! It was so refreshing! Chivalry is not dead! I was blown away because I live with 3 assholes who pose as guys. He was the real thing. At my car he said that it was nice to meet me again and I returned the sentiment. We hugged and then I got in and drove away.

So all in all I think it was a pretty successful night! It had it's normal amount of expected awkwardness, perhaps a little bit more, but we are going on a 2nd date which has to account for something!

One question though: What do people in relationships talk about? My goodness! We were both out of conversation starters partway through and then stared off into space to try to think of more. It's a little hard to judge the chemistry because we were both pretty nervous. At least, I was. So maybe that's why things didn't flow? I don't know. But seriously, what do you talk about?