e-not-so-much-harmony-yet Update

Okay I have a couple of things to mention as I travel down this road of online dating. Some of it I am frustrated with and some I have the attitude of "well eff him then." These are the ones that I am furthest along with in the process.

Match #1:
He is 25, lives in Arlington, cute, and pretty witty. We are currently e-mailing one another. He asked me what my perfect Saturday night and Sunday morning would look like, as well as a couple of other questions. I responded with some great answers and asked him the same ones. He said that his idea of a perfect Sat. night involves "making dinner and drinking wine" (okay, I'm with him so far), "then going dancing to'dance away the stress of our lives'" (umm...sure)" with lots of intimacy and sexiness, maybe the forbidden dance" (wait, what?), "then walking back home hand in hand under the stars" (really?), "and then ....Sunday morning eat some of his famous french toast while reading the paper. And maybe going to the market and working out."

Okay, so I am about 100% sure that the "..." part of his answer equates to sex. Not to mention his unsubtle note of doing "the forbidden dance"on the dance floor. That caught me totally by surprise! For a girl who is brand new to the whole online dating process in general and is very inexperienced sexually anyway, I was in shock. And not that I am now officially writing him off of my "to meet" list, I was just not expecting him to bring that up in our first couple of e-mails. That seems way forward to me. And I am almost in inner turmoil because I feel like I am not a suitable match b/c that was not in my idea of a perfect evening. And then I'm sort of like, screw it. It's my body and my life. If I don't want to have sex with him on a date, then I won't. Too bad for him. So why am I the one that feels bad?

Match #2
He is 25, attractive, from Arlington again, super driven in life. We were super close to the e-mail stage. He asked me some open-ended questions. I responded truthfully. That's the whole point, right? One of them was how did you choose your profession? I answered that I kind of ended up in it and am a little unhappy with it at the moment. I feel unfulfilled and think that there might be something else out there for me. He also asked me what is most spontaneous thing I have ever done. I told him, moving in with 3 guys at the last minute.

This morning I checked my match updates and he closed me out. His reasoning was that "he didn't believe the chemistry was there." What? I am pretty sure that I scared him off with my answers, but I am not an-unfeeling person. I was honest. Just because he is insanely ambitious in life and I don't love my job, doesn't mean that we cannot have a positive relationship. And yes, maybe 2 out of the 3 of my roommates include a thief and a molester, but that doesn't make me a bad person. Good grief! Maybe if you chose to get to know me a little more, then you could figure that out.

I have only been on for like 2 weeks and I am already kind of over it. I am already coming to terms with my spinster status. Yes, I am only 26, but I don't see many chances in my life. I either don't get guys b/c I don't give it up, or I don't get them b/c I am honest about my life. Who the hell are these guys hoping to find? I am going to continue my endeavours at least until my membership runs out and we'll see what happens next. I am also going to try going to church more regularly b/c I think that's my target group right now. And maybe some running clubs? I feel like I am whoring myself out a little bit. It's hard not to think that there is something wrong with me. Why am I so anti-datable?

GRRRRRRRR

E-mailing with Sophie

So...without getting too detailed, Nathan might not have a job pretty soon up in Michigan.  From what he and I talked about in the past, if his new job didn't pan out, he would either look for another job up there or he would move back down here and work and probably go back to school.  Instead of writing all this out, I figured that I'd just post the e-mails between Sophie and I:

Lila (9:08am, 26 February 2010):

Yeah, one of my co-workers mentioned it to me yesterday.  I don't want him to move back here.  It's easier to have him up there where I don't have to see him...and so I can blame long-distance on why we didn't work out.  If he moves down here and still doesn't want to date me...I don't even want to think about it.  And it's ridiculous that I should feel this way because we were only together for two months--and we haven't been for three.  But it still makes me sad.
 
Sophie (9:14am):

You think YOU don't want him to move back here?  I assure you that EVERYONE YOU KNOW hopes he doesn't move back here even MORE.  Do not like Sad Lila.
    
Maybe you'll start dating The Fourth anyway, and the entire point will be moot.  While it is true that The Fourth seems equally unsure about his intentions with you, at least he's not "frolicking" around with you to the same degree Nathan was.

Lila (9:29am):

Frick, I just became Sad Lila now even thinking about this crap.  Like close to tears.  I hate that I feel anything for him.  When I heard about this yesterday, I even thought of writing a post, but I didn't want to bring it up to you and Isabelle yet.  Now maybe I will.
    
I wish that he'd been a jerk when we were together; I mean, he was a jerk by making us official and then changing his mind right away, but when we talked and when we saw each other, he was great.  I wish that he'd done a lot of stuff that I could look back on and be thankful that I escaped that mess, like with Charlie.  But it never got out of the exciting and new time period until it was over.
    
Ugh.  With any luck, he'll just find another job up there and stay out of my life.  And hopefully one day, my thoughts.
 
Sophie (9:43am):

Yeah... I know you think he was super great when you were together, and he WAS compared to Charlie.... but no guy who is really so great would leave you feeling like Sad Lila in the middle of a work day, trying not to cry at your desk, just because he crossed your mind.  He WAS being a jerk to you at the end; he made you official, got you to drive 10 hours to get in your pants one last time, and then broke it off.  I know it is more complicated than that, but this is how it appears from the outside.  And when it boils down to it all the hours on the phone and all the crying and all of his excuses don't really matter.  You're eternally optimistic and forgiving and excellent at making excuses for dudes, but there's really no denying that is WHAT HAPPENED.  If he didn't know what he wanted from your relationship he shouldn't have taken things as far with you as he did.  He knew he wasn't dealing with some slut to whom all the physical stuff wouldn't matter.  And if he liked you and wanted to keep his options open with you for the future but wasn't ready for something so long-distance, he should have thought with his brain (not his mini-Nathan) and realized he should cool it with you directly after the beach so that in the future it wouldn't be CRAZY AWKWARD if he ever did live in the vicinity and wanted to date you.  Ugh.  You know things are kind of messed up when your friends FEAR the thought of your ex moving into town because of how crazy it will likely make you.

And now, when you should be spending your time flirting with other boys or pondering the The Fourth situation (which is frustrating but intriguing!), you are going to spend your time obsessing about Nathan.  Un.Healthy.

Lila (10:29am):

Yeah.  So I'm definitely on Team Stay-the-eff-in-effing-cold-Michigan.  I don't want to avoid hanging out with you guys because he'll be around and it'd be hard for me to be normal around him.  I would probably be okay if I wasn't drinking, but when does that happen when we're around those guys?  Ugh.  If he moves here, whatever.  I'll just man up and be cool.  Even if he wanted another shot (which I don't think at all), he doesn't deserve one.  So I just have to get over this mess.  And stop being attracted to jerkholes.

Editor's Note:  "get in your pants" does not mean sex.  Just close to it.

The Fourth Is Gonna Get Bitched At

I'm starting to get pissed off at The Fourth.  Why hasn't he asked me out yet?  He's had ample opportunity!  Let's read excerpts from some conversations.

Last night:

The Fourth:  ....Cause if you did, all my aspirations of making out with you again may have just gone down the drain!  Haha :)
Lila:  You have aspirations of that?
The Fourth:  Well, you were such a good kisser.  I was hoping to do that again sometime.
Lila:  Maybe you'll get to.
The Fourth: Guessing from that comment, I did not impress the first time! :(
Lila:  I didn't say that
Lila:  Guess you're going to have to wait until I'm drunk again.  Since I generally kiss boys if I'm drunk or dating them.  Or both.  :P

Tonight (on Facebook chat):

The Fourth:  Alrighty, this old man is going to bed.  I am tired.  And I will have a long day tomorrow!
Lila:  Noooooo!  Stay!
The Fourth:  I can't.  your more then welcome to come over and lay next to me and continue talking but I have to get some rest in my bed.
Lila:  Yeah, I generally don't sleep in the same bed with boys who aren't dating me.
The Fourth:  I understand.  But I am off!  Sweet dreams then! :-*


He understands?!  What the eff?!  Is he just a champion stringer or what?  No, that's not it.  It'd be stupid to string along a girl that he's only kissed once.  I just don't understand!!  Could he just be a huge flirt?  Maybe he acts like this with a ton of girls?  Gah!!!

I'm getting dangerously close to yelling at him for this.  I can easily envision me walking into his office and going, "For the love of God?!  What is your problem!?  Why are you texting and talking to me all the time and not asking me out?!"

It might happen.  The idea has been implanted and I'm an impulsive, impatient girl.

Or maybe I should just ignore the crap out of him.  Then maybe he'll ask me what the heck is going on and I can say something like, "Well, you weren't asking me out, so I figured that this was what you wanted."

Yeah.  No idea what I'm going to do.  But if a guy can get up the nerve to tell me that he wants to make out with me, he should have the nerve to ask me to hang out sometime at the very least.  Ugh.

Cocktail Party

Once I confirmed that The Fourth was coming to my, Sophie’s and Dwight’s cocktail party last Saturday night, I was kind of excited, but mostly I doubted that anything would change.  When I told a couple of my friends about him before the party, I said he was too afraid to ask me out and one of the girls suggested that maybe I help him out a little.  I refused and I stand by it.  Honestly, I need a guy that I can’t walk all over and if a dude can’t get the balls to ask me out, how is he going to get them later for more difficult decisions?

Once he got there, I seriously didn’t recognize him at first because he wasn’t wearing his glasses.  I have to say that I definitely prefer the no-glasses look; he has pretty blue eyes and they stand out more without the glasses.  I introduced him to some people and gave him a tour of the house.  I don’t think that we were downstairs long before flip cup started.  He was supposed to be on my team, but two of my out-of-town friends wanted to be on the same team (my team) and they asked him to switch.  If I had been less drunk, I might have pointed out to them that he didn’t know anyone but me and it’d probably be nicer for him to stay on my team, but I was drunk enough to not think about it.

So he stayed all through flip cup and did wind up on my team eventually.  He’d sometimes put his arms around my waist and be a little touchy-feely; I didn’t mind.  Actually, I enjoyed it, but that’s not surprising.  I’m very touchy-feely myself when I’ve been drinking.

Later in the evening, Nelson knocked me backwards onto my couch so that my legs hung over the side and he wouldn’t help me up.  The Fourth came and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, telling me that he had to leave.  “Noooooo, don’t go!” I told him.  Since I’m bossy when I’m sober, I’m even bossier when I’m drunk.  He insisted that he had to leave and said that he’d text me or something the next day.  I think that I said I didn’t believe him and he reminded me that he was the last one to text, so I owed him one.  I picked up my phone right then and sent “Don’t go!” followed by several smiley faces.  Those were unintentional, but I’m still impressed that my spelling and punctuation were correct.

Still standing right there, he texted, “I have to and you need your beauty sleep!”  I was a tiny bit outraged when I read that.  “Are you saying that I’m ugly?!” I demanded, knowing full well that he didn’t think any such thing.  I’ve learned over time that if I start accusing guys of insulting me when they haven’t, they’ll try to make it up to me and right then, I just wanted him to do as I said and hang out longer.  See what I mean about needing a guy that I can’t walk all over?  I’m a bitch otherwise.

He assured me that that was not what he meant, but he still insisted that he had to leave.  He kissed me on the cheek again and I—again—demanded that he stay.  He refused and we went back and forth like that, with him leaning to kiss me on the cheek another time, and then lightly on the lips.  That time I kissed him back, so the next time that he leaned down he kissed me on the mouth a second time and it turned into a real kiss.  Score!  He might have kissed me one more time, but then he said good bye and went to leave.  At that point I was a little annoyed because I wasn’t getting my way and because I really wanted to get off of that couch and in all that time he hadn’t felt the need to help me up.  My friend since pre-school, Keri, helped me up and she started filling me in on what she and The Fourth had talked about earlier in the evening when I wasn’t around.

I figure that you’re getting this fourth-hand; I got it second-hand from Keri, so this would be third-hand if I hadn’t been drunk.  Since I was, I’m a little uncertain of the facts, but here’s what I think she said:  The Fourth told her that he likes me and thinks that I’m cool.  Also, he mentioned how his dad met me first.  I don’t know if this is right, but I think that he said that after his dad met me, he told The Fourth that I was cute and he should meet me.  It’s also possible that it was the second time when I met his dad (after I’d already met The Fourth) that he told him that I was cute and he should go out with me.  Either way, I’m totally stoked that his dad thought that much of me!  Win!  Keri had actually assumed that The Fourth and I were already a couple, so she was surprised when I explained that we weren’t.  She insists that he definitely likes me, though.  Well, duh.  Hasn’t changed the fact that he hasn’t asked me out.

A newly single friend of mine, Xavier, was there and asked me to point out the single ladies.  I pointed out Keri and Isabelle and reminded him that I was single, too.  “Yeah, but you’re out of my league,” he replied.  I shrugged and said, “If you think that, then I probably am.”  I didn’t mean it in a mean way, just that if he thinks that, why should I think any differently?  Besides, what was an appropriate response?  “No, I’m not”?  That would devalue me and I’m not going to do that.  I guess that I could have made a joke like, “You bet I am!” but that would have been kind of mean.  Also, I was still drunk at this point and unable to reason out a thoughtful answer.

I should add that I kind of like that The Fourth didn't just give in when I wanted him to hang out longer.  I should not be rewarded for my bossy stubbornness.

Pray For Me

So I did it. I joined eharmony. My friends continually encouraged me to join and I kept putting it off. I don't know what possessed me to sign up now, but I did. Maybe it's because my birthday is around the corner and I am tried of being alone. I really have no idea. I thought that if nothing else, I may get a couple of free dinners and great blog stories out of the whole thing.

I have a few matches and answered some guy's questions. Nothing else really right now. I am still trying to get the hang of it. I will definitely keep you updated on what happens. And I am thinking that instead of giving each match a name, I am just going to give them numbers according to the chronological invite to a meeting or whatnot.

So...pray for me and pray for match #1.

Kansas: Day 3/4 and Aftermath

Sunday:

The 5 of us all sat down to breakfast a little after 9 prepared by the wife. Kansas was going to take the Mormon to a girls tennis match so he could meet one more person. He asked AZ and me if we wanted to go. We said sure just as long as it was inside. Kansas asked his wife if she wanted to go and she said no. So again, it was me and the boys. We took 2 cars because the Mormon wanted to go to church after the match. AZ went with the Mormon and I rode with Kansas.

We were talking about a bunch of different things including my possibility of actually moving out west whether it be to Arizona or Kansas. I said that since I have no job I really have every possibility available to me. He said that his roommate will be moving out in May so I can move in to the second bedroom. Are we all grasping this? He invited me to move in with him and his wife! I am about 100% sure that he has not discussed this with his wife which means he is doing it without her knowledge, or he is banking on the hope that I don't actually follow through with it. I kind of shrugged it off because I had no idea how to respond. Even if I ever move to Kansas, the thought of living with him has never entered my mind. I have some idea of boundaries.

We leave the game and the Mormon drives to church. AZ, Kansas, and I get into the car and are heading home. We were talking about how sad it was that we were leaving the next day. Kansas made the comment that we wouldn't be as good of friends once we leave. AZ and I are like, what? And he tried again with saying that it would be different b/c we won't be face to face anymore, the proximity factor will obviously be changed. And then he said, "And I won't be able to do this anymore" (lower thigh grab). We were also talking about what it would be like if I moved in with AZ and how Kansas could come and visit the both of us in one spot.

We got back to the house, showered, and hung out for a little bit. We were all going to go to a monster truck rally and leave about 1:15. Then the Mormon was going to be picked up for the airport and then Kansas, wife, AZ, and me were going to go to church. Afterwards, AZ and I were going to make dinner for all of us. The wife invited a girl friend to come with us. The friend had to cancel because of a meeting and then the wife decided to bail. I thought it was odd that she didn't want to go just b/c one of her friends couldn't. So she stayed behind and went to a movie while the rest of us got on the road.

As we were driving, there apparently was a microburst. Which means that there are 80 mph winds, like a tornado but they don't spin, just go straight. So there ended up being 2 car pileups on the highway totaling 70 cars. Needless to say, we are completely stuck on the highway. After almost 2 hours in the car, men peeing in the woods (lucky bastards), and jamming out to music, we finally decide to turn around and drive on the shoulder, going in the wrong direction of the interstate. We finally find a break in the median and go to the correct side of the highway. The truck rally is out of the question and we now have limited time before the Mormon had to get to the airport. We also now have to cancel on meeting the wife at church. I can tell that Kansas is kind of disappointed about how the day is turning out. I mean it is Valentine's Day after all.

The wind is absolutely ridiculous and it's also snowing. It is definitely cold and pretty miserable. We end up going to a outdoor hunting/restaurant spot. It is absolutely huge! We get some lunch and are having a good time. Then we go exploring through the store. We shoot arrows with bows, hold $2000 guns, and check out large knives. Then it was time to leave. We got back into the car and took the Mormon to the airport. I was actually really sad to see him go. For a couple of reasons actually 1) I really like being with him. He was funny and nice. 2) it was kind of returning to reality and remembering that I was leaving the next day.

As we were heading home we stopped by the grocery store to get ingredients for the dinner. Kansas also bought a V day card and a present for the wife. The present would be coat hangers. He bought her coat hangers. He said that it was perfect b/c she wanted them and he was going to give them to her anyway. Hmm...okay then.

We returned to the house around 7:30 and started cooking. Kansas and the wife disappear upstairs for a solid 10 or so minutes. AZ made the comment that what if they were having sex and that he was going to ask as soon as one of them came down. Um, gross. PS: Can I just say that I love AZ? While we were cooking he started dancing with me in the kitchen even though there was no music. That is the type of guy that I love.

Dinner was delicious and so was dessert (ice cream). We cleaned up and then a couple of friends came over and we were watching the Olympics and then the wife went to bed at 10. We started playing a very complicated and intricate board game. But we were all so tired and having a good time, that it was a lot of fun.

**side note: One of the girls playing the game with us has this weird condition where whenever she expresses strong emotions she becomes paralyzed. Apparently it was really bad that night because she hadn't gotten much sleep. But every time someone made a funny joke, her head came crashing down to the kitchen table. We had to get a pillow and her boyfriend was constantly grabbing her as she went down. It was by far the craziest and kind of funniest thing I have ever seen.

Throughout the game, Kansas was periodically blocking my pieces and I would give him a glare. And call him by his full name. He would respond with "I love you, Isabelle" or "you know I love you." Really? We can't think of anything else to say?

The friends left about 1:00 AM and we went to the living room. Kansas and AZ started to play Modern Warfare. I went to the oversized chair and laid down to watch. They said that they were only going to play until 2. I was watching for a little and then I fell asleep. I would kind of wake up periodically and check out what they were doing. Sometimes Kansas would look over at me and say something like "Hey sleepy head" or "Hi Isabelle" with a smile. Later on I noticed that something was different and found that the boys had turned off the game. It was 4 AM. We were talking a little about the plan for the morning. Then Kansas fell over the rim of the chair and was kind of half laying on me. He patted my head some and then hoisted himself up. I eventually got enough energy to get myself to my room.

Monday:

Being completely exhausted, we drove to the airport. Kansas dedicated a song to me before he let me out of the car. I was the first to get dropped off. I was hoping to be 2nd, but I have no control over how the airport arranges its terminals. We gave and received hugs, made plans to see each other again next month in Arizona, and I fought off tears. And of course we cannot forget that Kansas has offered to drive me cross country to Arizona this summer if I choose to move there. Both boys asked me to give them a call once I made it home. I talked briefly with AZ when I got home, but had to leave a message for Kansas.

Conclusion:

I really enjoyed my trip. I loved spending time with Kansas and Arizona. And I really enjoyed hanging out with the Mormon. I felt great about myself. I felt confident and happy. Kansas definitely crossed some strange lines with his thigh grabbing and love comments. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. And I am a little disappointed that I won't be able to see them all next month. I might still visit over my spring break, but who knows?

Post Trip:

Throughout the week AZ and I were texting a little bit. Just small quotes from the weekend. Never heard anything from Kansas until Saturday night (20th). He called but I missed it b/c I was at a cocktail party hosted by Lila! He also sent a text that said: "Meet me in Arizona. March 17-22." I texted him back this morning saying that I couldn't go then. My break doesn't begin until the 26th.

Kansas: Day 2

Saturday:

We woke up pretty early because we were going to get breakfast and the Mormon had a meeting with someone at the same restaurant. He was interviewing with KU athletics in the compliance department (whatever that means). The wife was having brunch with friends somewhere else and left after we did, so we still haven't seen her. So it was just the 3 of us again eating. Absolutely fantastic. We had a lot of fun talking, reminiscing, joking, etc. I asked Kansas how old the Mormon was because he looked so young. He said that he was 28, had already been on his mission, went to law school, and passed the bar exam. I was like, hello! That is one accomplished individual. Too bad that he lives far away and believes in a religion that I do not. After we finished, Kansas went over to the Mormon's table and talked some with them as AZ and I walked around the area.

We got back to the house around noon and about 30 minutes later, the wife finally arrived. Gross. We all said hello and hung out while watching the Olympics. She and Kansas were sharing a large chair/love seat and were all cuddly with their blanket and dogs. It made me sick. And it's not because it was him and her. I am not a fan of PDA in general. Kansas also gave us the KU t-shirts he had bought for us to wear at the game. I was starting to get really excited about the day.

She made a large meal for us to eat and tie us over until the game ended. The 5 of us sat down around the table and had a good time talking again. She didn't say a lot because she doesn't really seem to have much of a personality. It's kind of sad really. We were going to leave extra early for the game so that Kansas can show us around his office and the athletic center. The wife did not want to come so early to the game, so once again, it was me and the boys. I think I heard angels singing. On the ride over, we were listening to a bunch of music and the boys were all rocking out. It was pretty funny. They were playing songs that I hadn't heard before and were almost serenading me. Very amusing. One of the songs was "All The Pretty Girls."

I have forgotten to mention that periodically while driving, I would be in the passenger seat b/c I am the only girl and it's obviously the best seat. Kansas would sometimes tap on my leg as we were singing with the music, or squeeze the area right above my knee. Not really the thigh area, but still, somewhat affectionate, right?

We were walking to the center and the Mormon and I were mainly talking. Kansas showed us his office and introduced the Mormon to another Head Of (fill in the blank). The 3 of us hung out while they were talking and then he took us down to the basketball gym and we looked at the hall of fame and played some of the games they had. We had a great time. After learning all about the history of KU athletics, Kansas decided to take us on a private tour of the center.

While AZ and the Mormon were stopped to look at some pictures, Kansas apologized for sometimes disappearing to help the Mormon meet all of these higher up people. I responded in a sarcastic matter saying that he should be sorry because I am number 1 priority. He said that it was a weird comment because he is married and his wife should be his top priority. I was slightly offended because my mind was no where near thinking about his wife. I quickly explained that what I meant was that I am more important than the Mormon and Arizona because I am awesome, and great, and a girl, which equals number 1 status. I told him that I was not talking about being ahead of his wife in his life. So, obviously he is aware that he is in fact married, and maybe a little on edge about our "relationship" or friendship, but he is the one who is making the ambiguous comments and hand gestures.

Kansas used to run track for KU which is pretty amazing since it's a division 1 school. He took us to the indoor track training facility/basketball's personal fitness center. I tried to redeem the earlier awkwardness by asking him to race me, but he had to do run backwards. He destroyed me. Then we raced again and he gave me a 40 yard head start and he beat me again. I had a lot of fun, it was kind of like sibling competition.

We went back to the basketball stadium for the game and he sat with us until the wife arrived. Then the 2 of them went to different seats for the game and I was sitting between Arizona and the Mormon. I was pretty pumped. Sitting between 2 cute guys and watching an exciting basketball game. Holla.

We went to a late dinner after the game (the 5 of us) and had a great time. The wife was not really very vocal, but she wasn't absolutely quiet either. She really just does not seem to have a personality. She is very nice and pretty, but I think she is really boring. And I'm not just saying that because she is married to Kansas. Also, what is kind of awkward is that AZ and I were the only ones of the group who drink. The Mormon doesn't b/c of his religion, Kansas doesn't I think b/c of his brother (substance abuse problem), and the wife doesn't b/c she is zero fun.

We got back to the house a little after 10 and the wife went to bed soon after. It was just me with the boys again. We were watching some of the Olympics and talking a little. At about Midnight, Kansas said that he was going to go to bed. I was kind of pissed because I did not fly all of this way so that I could sit on a couch and watch the Olympics. We have been busy the whole day and I wanted to just spend some down time with him and AZ. I explained that I was disappointed he was going to bed and said that I flew cross country to see him, not the Olympics. He came over to me and sort of rubbed/squeezed my head and said "I love you Isabelle." I responded with, "actions, not words." Meaning for him to show me that he cares, that we are friends. Not that I want him to furiously make out with me or divorce his wife. If he tells me he loves me, even if it's just fluff, then, let's see it! Don't ask me to fly halfway across the country, tell me you love me, and then when I want to talk, leave. I was frustrated. Think what you want.

Another note, similar to the thigh tapping or squeezing, he said "I love you" a few times. For a guy of his standing, I feel like these are not words that you just throw around. I feel that when he says them, he should actually mean them. That's just the kind of person I have always pictured him to be. So when he says these things to me, it confuses me.

I went to bed a little bit after because there wasn't much point in staying up anymore, especially since AZ fell asleep.