Ugh...I don't know anymore

So I was supposed to get drinks with Ben last week. He flew off to Houston randomly for work (found out on Wednesday). My warning signals started to go off. But then he asked if I wanted to do something this weekend. So again, I was a little confused because it sounded like he still wanted to see me. So I called him on Thursday and left a message asking if he wanted to go see a movie maybe on Saturday. He text me Saturday afternoon saying he got in late and would be taking it easy that night. Which is weird b/c that's exactly what a movie is, but oh well. And there was no mention of future plans. So I am pretty sure that things are no longer. It's not a definite, but our communication all last week continued to put up red flags for me and then confuse me. I am disappointed and frustrated. I finally was starting to feel like there was nothing majorly wrong with me. I had continuous dates, sober kisses, and he was a gentleman. It was an incredible feeling. And I know that it was way early on in the "relationship" (for lack of a better word) but still, I had hopes for the future. If he calls, great. But I am not holding my breath.

I guess, the only other thing is to go back to the drawing board, although I don't want to. I know people are always telling me to practice and I get good stories or even dates out of it, but I want to quit. I hate this. I hate feeling dejected for unknown reasons. I hate being alone, but I hate the process even more. I honestly don't want to do this anymore. I know I have the choice, but I already feel like it would be the bad one if I chose not to continue going out.

So that leads us to...
Match #4

He is white, 6'1", 27, works in the government, lives in Reston, and says he is a Christian.
What is interesting about Match #4 is that he was the 1st person to ask me those stupid 1st 5 questions when I signed up mid-February. So...2 months ago. And we are just now at the final stage. I am pretty sure that he started dating someone and that didn't work out so now he is starting over. He seems like an ok fellow. Nothing too creepy about him; no mention of thongs or Saturday night/Sunday morning proposals. He asked me if I wanted to get together last weekend, but I was really busy so I suggested maybe coffee this week. He responded with Wednesday. I don't have anything going on, so physically I can do it. Though mentally and emotionally I feel like a robot. It's not exciting for me anymore. I am just waiting to be disappointed which is a horrible feeling.

And then there is Match #5
He is white, 6'2", 25, drives a pedicab (I am not lying), lives in Springfield, and also says he is a Christian. He is a Patriots fan, so that is a huge plus, but I am not getting a great vibe from him for some reason. Sure, I can be optimistic and give him a try anyway, but I am just not too confident about him. Maybe it's the fact that he rides a bike for work, or perhaps something else. He did give me his number and said that he can text all day if I feel like doing that. Okay, what? I find that a little strange, but maybe I am wrong.

So I guess I am going out on Wednesday, but I really don't want to. I would like to go back in time and erase last week with Ben and do it over. Or maybe God will rain down my future husband. That would be wonderful. With a sign that says, "Isabelle." Like the ones chauffeurs have when they pick up their guest at the airport.

As always, I will keep you posted. But I need a jolt to get me out of this cynical, cat lady funk.