Whatever.

Okay, I'm officially tired of waiting for The Fourth to ask me out.  I still like him and I'll still talk to him and text or whatever, but this is ridiculous.  Today we e-mailed back and forth all day and I sat and talked with him in his office this morning, too.  He's not a shy person, so that's not his problem.  I'm just going to chalk this up to him not being that into me...because otherwise he'd do something more than flirt.  Dumb.  Does he even realize what he's missing out on?!

Wow.  I'm actually impressed with my thought process.  Maybe He's Just Not That Into You worked on me.  Instead of wondering why he doesn't seem to like me, I have an answer:  there's something wrong with him.  Not me.  HIM.  Ha!

Hopefully I can keep this way of thinking in the future, too.  I don't see why not.  I'm far from perfect, but I'm still a great catch and the guy that I end up with will be lucky to have me.  So any guys who don't see how awesome I am or don't jump on not letting me get away aren't worth my energy.  Depending on how observant he is, The Fourth is going to notice a big change from my past to current interest in flirting with him.

Congratulations, Sophie.  You win.

Introspection

Once upon a time, Charlie broke up with me (in February) and I told Ethan about it.  He and I were already buddies, but it was my breakup that had us talking a lot more and it was all because of his friend Kenneth.  Apparently these two have been best friends for years and as soon as I was single, Ethan told me that he had to introduce me to Kenneth and a couple of weeks later he did.  Kenneth came by to have lunch with Ethan, so Ethan called me to come on out to the hallway if I was free.  I already knew that he might be coming by that day and I'd told my co-worker Norah about it, too.  So she saw him when she was walking back to our office from the bathroom and said that he was cute.  I went out and talked to him for several minutes and Ethan even left us alone--on purpose--before he came back and joined in again.  I dazzled Kenneth with my football knowledge and he told Ethan that I was cute as soon as they turned the corner away from me--according to Ethan.  I also thought that Kenneth was cute.

Drunk Texts and Winking

On Saturday night I was kind of delighted to see that The Fourth had texted me because he was away with his friends for the weekend and texting means that he was thinking about me. So even though it was late, I texted something quick back that he received the following morning.  I was half-awake when I got it and we texted back and forth a few times.

Fast forward to later in the afternoon.  He returned my last message from the morning and then we messaged a few times over the course of several hours.  He was drinking with his friends and informed me that he was drunk pretty early in the evening.  Then around 10:30 the texts got drunker and drunker and flirtier and flirtier.  I won't hurt your eyes or your heads by reposting them word-for-word because of all the misspellings.  In one seventeen word text, seven words were typed correctly; three of them were "it," "of," and "a."  Curiously another was "don't" and I have no idea how he got the apostrophe in there accurately.

Here is the information that I got from his texts:

-I have a hot and nice body
-Picking up "hot boys" at my parents' house isn't apparently weird (Okay, this one I'll explain.  I told him that I'd just driven home from my parents' and he asked if I brought home a hot boy.  I told him that my choices were my dad, my brother, or the dog...so, no, I didn't pick anyone up).
-I don't have to sleep with a boy if I bring him home
-If The Fourth came to visit, he wouldn't try to have sex with me
-I am hot enough to have sex with, but he wouldn't want to force me (Um, good?  Forced sex = rape, so I'm glad that he's taking that off the table)

Yesterday morning I texted him to say, "I hope that you're not too hungover this morning and that you have fun reading your sent texts from last night. :)"  I wanted him to know exactly what he'd been saying as soon as he woke up.  He texted back later that morning:


The Fourth (8:58am):  Hahahahahahaha boy. I had a thing for you last night!

Oh, come on, The Fourth!  You have a thing for me in general, not just Sunday night!  Whatever.  He e-mailed me to say something similar and to give a longer explanation.  I forwarded this stuff to Ethan who read it today.  He actually knows The Fourth!!  He doesn't know him well, but he knows him enough to like him and think that he's probably a good guy.  He also said that he seems "nerdy, but cool."  Sounds about right to me.

This morning I sat in The Fourth's office and talked to him for about ten minutes before I went upstairs.  I left when the co-worked that he shares his office with came in.  I said good bye to The Fourth and he said that he'd talk to me later...and then HE WINKED AT ME!  I know that isn't a big deal or anything, but it was so cute!  I was kind of smiling all day about it.

He still hasn't asked me out, though.

Nick's Not Gone?

I wasn't really expecting to hear from Nick again, so I was surprised to get a text message from him on Sunday morning:

Nick (11:48am):  You better be cheering on my jets today! :)

I didn't really know how I should respond because I didn't want to do anything to encourage him.  I mean, this guy definitely isn't right for me.  I also didn't want to ignore him either.

Lila (12:51pm):  Sure thing :)

I rooted for them, but it didn't do any good.  I thought of texting him after the game to say "too bad" or something, but didn't.  There's no need.  I wonder if I'll hear from him again, though.

High School Calling, Part II

Sam replied back to my Facebook message on January 6th, but I forgot to post it.

From:  Sam
Subject:  Hellooooooooo!

"Darn, wish they started argueing a little sooner.  lol.  Thank you for the compliments, I don't know what i would do without them."

Okay...I said that I was glad that he had a nice family...I guess that that was a compliment?  Anyway, I think that this was a weird response and I chose not to reply back again.

I found that stuffed alligator, though.  Is it bad that now I don't want to give it to him even though I said that if I still had it, I would?  I don't really want to see him again, so I guess that I won't worry about it.  I mean, how is he going to find out that I still have it, anyway?

E-mail Is Better Than Texting, Right?

On Thursday morning I talked to The Fourth for a little more than ten minutes in the hallway outside his office, but didn't hear from him for the rest of the day.  Earlier in the week we graduated from text messages to work e-mails after I told him that I really couldn't text at work.  Anyway, not hearing from him had me wondering if something was wrong until I remembered that it doesn't matter if he's not contacting me.  He either likes me or he doesn't and he might ask me out or he might not.  I'm not going to sit at home and wait for him to decide, though.

But thinking that didn't stop me from stand around talking to him for about forty minutes yesterday morning.  I was already over time for the week, so being late didn't matter.  We talked about our families mostly, and what we do with them for fun or at family gatherings and things.  It was really good.  He told me that he'd not be at work on Monday so that I shouldn't text him to say, "Way to be late," when I get to work and he's not there, which is what I normally do.  "Because then I'd have to tell you that I was still skiing and you'd reply with 'You. Are. A. Jerk.'"  He's not wrong!

He left early that day, but until he did we e-mailed a lot of short messages back and forth.  He thinks that I should come skiing sometime and I think that I'm better suited to drink hot chocolate inside a warm building instead.  Still talking about vacation days, I told him that I'd be happy to take some of his off his hands.  He responded that I could just take unpaid leave for a day and hang out with him and he could pay me what I'd lose.  I told him that that would be too much like him paying to hang out with me, so that we should just both call in sick sometime and do something fun.  Like in the summer, we could take a day and go to the beach.  He agreed to that idea, and when I mentioned that it sucked that summer was so far off, he said that airfare to Florida wasn't very expensive at this time of year.  I kind of agreed, but there's no way that I'm going to fly to the beach with a guy that I'm just friends with--and not even close friends with.

I'm really glad to be getting to know him, though.  I invited him to the cocktail party that Sophie, Dwight, and I are throwing next month, so we'll see if he attends.  I hope that he does.

Um...Quick Question

I was working out with Colin (my new trainer) last night. He had me doing this eliptical exercise and periodically I was glancing up at the TV. There were tons of commercials for Valentine's Day (barf). Then Colin said, "When is Valentine's Day? Is it the 12th?" I was like, what?! So I gave him a little shocked gasp. He then responded with, "I don't have a girlfriend, so I have no idea." I told him that it was the 14th. He responded with something like oh ok and maybe something about the stupidity of the holiday. Or maybe that's just what was going through my head. I told him how I was going to visit a friend and his wife that weekend (Kansas) and we both agreed how kind of strange that was. He asked if it was somewhere cool. I told him that it was Kansas. He immediately felt sympathetic and asked if you could ski there or maybe it was nice and warm. I informed him that Kansas is very flat, no mountains to ski, and that it's probably 5-10 degrees right now. What was I thinking buying a ticket there?

But that's not my question. My question is: Does it mean anything if a guy straight up tells you that he has no gf even when it's not really part of the conversation? Or am I just that desperate to have some excitement, some mystery, or romance in my life? Colin is definitely not Lance, but he is growing on me. I don't foresee a future, but as we all are aware, I need something interesting in my life.

Convent or the Amish?

So I, like Lila, have been in hiding, but for a very different reason. (PS Lila, I was sad that it took you so long to write about your messages!) And I wouldn't call it hiding so much as giving up. I am tired of boys and their crap. I live with 3 of them and they are stupid a-holes. My new (and less attractive trainer) forgot we had a session last night. Brian won't call b/c I refuse to give it up the first night. And I am trying, unsuccessfully, to reconnect things with The Dane (nicknamed b/c he was born in Denmark). His is an embarassing story to be told possibly in the near future. And we cannot forget my excursion to Kansas over Valentine's Day weekend. Needless to say, I am struggling.

I met with my sister over the weekend to say hi and of course she asked me about my love life and suggested I try online dating. I am not too keen on this option. There is something holding me back. She and her husband have tried setting me up with people but they have not gone so well. Anyway, that was a pleasant and uplifting conversation.

I figure I have two options. I feel that both will fulfill my immediate needs and aide me in my deficiencies.

Option 1: I join a convent. Here, I don't have to worry about what I look like (the jars of avengeful peanut butter are doing wonders for me). Because we are not allowed phones, I don't have to worry about why boys aren't calling, or how to properly flirt over a text message. And the pressure to have sex is definitely absent.

Option 2: I enter the Amish community and get married there. With this option, many of the reasons for the convent apply, but I don't die alone. I actually (hopefully) get married and live a long life with my husband and farm animals. Bonus: I have always liked Pennsylvania.

I will let you know what I decide. Right now, it's a coin toss. I could go either way. This may be one of my final posts since both options refuse the ability to use technology.

Because I Have To Come Out of Hiding

Okay...I've been MIA for the past week because I didn't want Sophie reading and judging me for what I've been doing--which is texting back and forth with The Fourth a lot.  I will reiterate that I am not leading him on!  He's really funny and we're finding more things in common.  I'm not in love with him or anything, but I'll be pleased if this goes anywhere.  And I think that he likes me, too, but he hasn't asked me out.  So...whatever.  I think that he's just waiting or something.

And he better not wait too long because I'm going to a party next Friday night and then Ethan is going to have a Super Bowl party the weekend after that.  This is so that he can finally introduce me to some of his friends...eligible friends, that is.  He asked me for a "shopping list" of what I'm looking for in a guy and if I had access to it right now, I'd post parts of it.  Even if I don't find The Guy there, at least I can maybe meet some new people and that'll be cool, too.

Once again.  Not leading The Fourth on.  Also, not being the one to suggest hanging out.  He needs to man up and do it himself if he wants to.  Oh!  Funny thing:  he texted me a few pictures after he left work.  One was of our building, showing that he was in the parking lot, one of him in front of his house, and the third was of a Corona.  Jerk.  :)

Running Through My Mind

So, things with Brian, I am pretty sure, are completely over. Not that there were ever really "things" to begin with. I haven't heard from him since his response to my "Happy new year!" text almost 2 weeks ago. During this dry time in my romantic life, my thoughts drift to Lance, my personal trainer. Well, I should say, my former personal trainer.

I believe I started working with Lance around June. I had purchased a 3 session introductory pack to personal training. He was 26, friendly, tall, good looking, and had that athletic build that is so wonderful (I would hope so judging from his profession). I am usually shy around guys(shocked? Didn't think so) but for some reason, dressing a little sloppy and sweating makes me less nervous and a lot more outgoing. Maybe, mentally I was thinking that I was pretty much at my lowest point in my attractiveness that I could be, so why try to put on a game?

We would flirt back and forth throughout the sessions and it was great! Here was this good looking guy who would flirt with me despite my appearance and grimaces when I thought a body limb would break off from the rest of my body.

After the intro sessions were finished, I was on such an emotional and physical high that I wanted to keep going and buy more sessions. I told him this and he was excited about my decision. When I mentioned that it was a little expensive, he said that he would like to offer me a free session every week. I was sold. I now get to spend 2 hours a week with a hot guy who flirted with me AND get a hot body myself? Yes please!

I was supposed to train with him for an hour each session, but they usually lasted about an hour and 15 or 20 minutes. We would talk about our day, things on our mind, our childhoods, college, etc. We would text each other with flirty messages about me needing a smack down or an ass kicking at our next session. He asked me to go running with him one day and when I responded with a shocked look (b/c I am not what one would call a "runner") he came back explaining that he is not a strong runner either. He would compliment me on my shorts, ask me about the writing on the shirts I was wearing, tell me that one of the shirts I had brought out my eyes and really made them "pop." And my favorite: He would touch my arms and tell me how I am getting guns or that he is really seeing muscles form.

We became Facebook friends and we continued to keep up our flirty workout times. Then a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, things started to get pretty strange pretty fast. He had to cancel on me every time for about a week. And then he sort of disappeared. Until he texted me accidentally when he was trying to reach a roommate. It was about another week before I finally heard from him again. I went to the gym one Friday night (loosening up before a half marathon) and I saw him. We talked for 2 hours and he told me all about how he and his gf of 3 years had just broken up and he moved out and had to leave his dog with her. We also talked more about life, work, religion, growing up, friends, favorite beers, my apprehension about the half marathon, basically everything. This is a guy that I felt like I could talk to for hours and not run out of things to say. He made me happy. He made me feel good about myself, physically and mentally. And it definitely seemed like he was kind of in to me.

That night I invited him to our infamous Christmas party and he accepted. I was ecstatic! Over the next couple of weeks, every time I saw him, he would bring up the date of the party, the time, or ask about the preparations. I couldn't wait for that night. The 2 weeks leading up to the party I kept dreaming about makeout sessions with him being held after the party and maybe in my bed. Basically everything that went down with Brian, but only with Lance.

Then he started to disappear again. I was supposed to meet with him the Monday before the party and he asked if we could push the start time back 15 minutes. I said that it was no problem. 45 minutes after he said he would be there, I left the gym. When I got to my car there was no message or sign that he tried to contact me about being later than he had mentioned. I finally heard from him the next day when he texted me promising me an e-mail that explained what had happened. No e-mail.

Then I was going back one night for another scheduled meeting and when I was almost there he sent me a text saying that he couldn't meet with me and was probably quitting the gym. I was devastated and shocked. I told him I was on my way to the gym and he said that he would come and meet me there and try to tell me about the situation. When I saw him he said that he had issues with the new manager and didn't want to work for her. I told him that I was sad about him leaving and he said that he was too. And that out of all of his clients he and I had the closest relationship, not just because we were similar in age but because we had a lot in common and had fun together. I asked if he was still planning on coming to the Christmas party and he said yes.

He never came. I texted him about 6:00 that evening and asked him if he would bring a bottle of champagne with him. I was told that if you give a guy a mission, he is more likely to come to an event. Well, he never responded to the the text and he still didn't come. I never heard from him ever again. A couple of days before Christmas I had a lot of wine and texted him about how I knew the past month has been rough for him, how sad I was in the way things ended, merry Christmas, and to take care. Never heard from him after that either.

I know you are probably confused as to why, when I am feeling lonely, I think about him. But It's hard to express how much he affected me. I loved who I was, which doesn't happen a lot. A cute guy liked talking with me and definitely flirted with me. I felt like I had a connection with him. I wasn't ever planning our wedding or naming our kids, but I really enjoyed being with him. I enjoyed who I was with him. And yes, I would have been excited if we had dated or what not, but I wasn't expecting it or anything.

I feel like I am cursed. Why am I always the person screwed when guys are being douchebags? I feel like this has happened a few times before. I thought we were at least friends, why did he completely leave me hanging when I did nothing to deserve it?

Anyway, enough about those negative thoughts. When I am reminded about how Brian was "scared" or really an idiot because I am perhaps a little less experienced than others, I remember the good moments I spent with Lance. And the hot body I once had.

Flip-flop-tastic

Texted with The Fourth last night.  I know, I know; I said that I'd be good and I was.  Nothing flirty for days, I haven't been on Facebook chat, and I wasn't commenting on any of his statuses.  Then he posted a picture of his sister's newborn twins and I commented saying how cute they were.

A few hours later, this is what happened:

The Fourth (10:37pm): Wanna get married and have quadruplets?  Just a thought!  Haha

Lila (10:38pm): This is a mass text, isn't it?
Lila (10:39pm): And quads?  Are you nuts?

The Fourth (10:41pm): Nope.  This is The Fourth's friend.  We stole his cell phone.  He was talking about you earlier and we just thought that we would mess with him and text you.  How are you Lila?

Lila (10:44pm): I'm awesome because my friends are nice enough not to send texts from my phone--so far. ;)

The Fourth (10:45pm): Holy shit.  Sorry!  It's The Fourth.  My friends are assholes tonight!  Sorry to bother you.  I need to go kill them now!
The Fourth (10:46pm):  I am really sorry!

Lila (10:47pm):  Hahaha!  May I suggest tea-bagging?  That'll teach them.

The Fourth (10:48pm):  Oh.  A complete beating is in order!  Tea-bagging would be a good bonus!

Okay...I've tried to write up my thoughts on this all day, but I really can't figure out my own feelings.  As anyone who reads this is aware, I've been trying not to lead on The Fourth and I was actually getting...not freaked out, but anxious that I might have really done it and could potentially hurt or disappoint him.  But I haven't talked to him for a few days and I started getting disappointed when he wasn't in his office as I passed by it.  Then I got those texts last night (and some more that aren't really blog-worthy) and was really excited--I mean, his friend said that he was talking about me! He told me this morning that his phone had an e-mail notification from where I commented on the picture of the babies and that's why his friend decided to message me.  He also mentioned that he and his buddies had taken another friend's phone on Saturday and texted a bunch of his ex-girlfriends to see which would go out with him again.  And they'd texted a picture of another guy's new girlfriend to his ex-girlfriend.  So...they were getting revenge on him.  But...why choose me to message from The Fourth?  I was pretty stoked.

I was thinking about all this today as I walked from his office to mine...and about how I really like talking to him.  Then I wondered what it would be like to make out with him.  A week or two ago I couldn't even imagine it without thinking that it was a bad idea.  Now I can imagine it...and it doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Maybe it's just me being a flake and I'll feel differently tomorrow.  Maybe things are just developing slowly unlike how I usually just jump into things.  Maybe it's because I've written off Nathan and the mental block for other guys has been lifted.  Maybe it's because I generally want what I can't have and he stopped contacting me all the time, making him more desirable.

I don't know what it is.  But I'm pretty sure that Sophie's going to kick my ass for flip-flopping so much.  Hey, Sophie, remember that time when I e-mailed you today saying that you were probably going to get more frustrated with me?  This is what I meant.

Oops?

Nick, Date #1

Since I hadn't heard from Nick since Sunday's phone call, I asked my co-workers, Fred and Tim, if I should text him.  After getting the story from me about how Nick and I had left things a little vague as to who was supposed to contact who (but leaning towards me as the one to do it), both guys said that I should text him.  So when I left work on Friday, I texted to say:

Lila (5:38pm):  I hear that the Jets are favored by 2 1/2 over the Bengals.  Pretty sure that they won because I rooted for them--so you owe me. :)

Nick (5:40pm):  Haha yes it looks like I do!

And a half an hour later texted again:

Nick (6:11pm):  You up to anything fun this weekend

Lila (6:21pm):  I  might be at Isabelle's tonight and I have some things on Sunday afternoon, but otherwise nothing much.  You?

Nick (6:23pm):  Yeah might meet some friends tonight.. That's about it.. You maybe want to go grab a drink tomorrow?

On Saturday evening we met at a restaurant close to my house; he was late by more than ten minutes.  I overlooked that because he was coming from about forty miles away and he apologized profusely for it.  We went to the bar and he bought us a couple of beers and we stood talking for more than three and a half hours and just generally having a good time.  I had three beers, he had four, and we shared an egg roll appetizer that was really good.  The bar was shutting down, though, so he asked if he could follow me back to my place to sober up before the long drive home.  I had already mentioned that Dwight and Sophie were having people over and that there was something going on over there, so it wasn't as presumptuous as it might sound.  Anyway, we went in and several friends were over and about to play another drinking game, so we joined in.

And then he kept drinking.  I was too, a little, but I thought that someone with such a long drive ahead of him should probably stop drinking at some point and he didn't.  Dwight went to bed and some people left until it was just Sophie, Nick, myself, and Nathan's brother, Nelson.  Nelson's wife had already left and he was planning to sleep in the guest bedroom and I was wondering when Nick was going to leave or if he was going to stay at our place.  My basement was a disaster area as it normally is because I never had any intention of letting him go down there, so I didn't even want to offer him my couch.  At this point I was also kind of thinking that he should have made sure that he could get home safely that night because this was a first date and not the time for getting plastered and having to stay the night.

Anyway, we were sitting on a couch together and sometimes he would hold my hand and stroke it or put his arm around my shoulders.  I let him because it was kind of nice and comfortable, but I was aware that this wasn't first date behavior.  He got up once or twice to smoke with Nelson and our friend Miguel before he left, and then he brought out the dip.  DIP.  I mean, he's from Jersey not Georgia!  I decided then that I didn't want to kiss him if it came down to that because GROSS.  Nothing like thoughts of mouth cancer to get a girl charged up.

He also talked about his ex-girlfriend a lot.  A LOT.  I mentioned that my ex was a Patriots fan and I was glad that they lost to the Ravens (sorry, Isabelle!), but I didn't talk about Charlie until he asked me questions and even then I didn't go into too much.  But I know a lot about his ex and about how he still talks to her all the time and even still loves her, though he never thought of marrying her--despite living with her for three years.

I fell asleep a couple of times sitting up next to Nick while he and the other two had deep philosophical existential conversations.  Sophie told me later that he said that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to get married and that didn't really believe that there's a life beyond this one, i.e. Heaven.  "Lila's gonna hate me," he told her drunkenly while I slept beside him.

Eventually, everyone went to bed.  Sophie and Nelson went down the hall and I gave a blanket to Nick as he laid down on the sofa and I got ready to go downstairs.  "Give me a hug," he muttered and I obliged.  He said something about me being mad at him and I was confused.  "Why do you think that?"

"Because you didn't want me to come downstairs," he replied, still drunk.  I shook my head.  "I'm not mad at you.  I just said 'no.'"  When I was falling asleep he had suggested that we go downstairs so that I could.  At the time I assumed that he intended to sleep on the couch, but now I wonder if he actually wanted to sleep in the bed with me because he then offered to sleep on the floor.  I simply said, "No," kind of nonchalantly.  In retrospect, I wish that I had cleaned up and I could have put him on my couch because Dwight woke up early the next morning and was annoyed that he had to work at kicking Nick out.  Oops.  I felt really bad about that.  Sophie hadn't seemed to have any problem with Nick sleeping there and it hadn't occurred to me that it would bother Dwight--probably because I'd been drinking.  Oh well.  Next time I'll be more considerate.

Nick texted me later in the day to tell me that he had a good time and then told me to have fun at the baby shower I was attending.  I texted back a few hours later when I had some spare time that I had a good time, too.  I don't know if he'll call me again, but I think that he might.  If he asks me out, I'll go again, but I don't really see this turning into a relationship.

New Years Via Isabelle

I know, I know. I am way behind on my accounts of that evening. This is partially because I do not have much to write and I felt silly about scribing the details when half of them I don't remember and the other half are pretty insignificant.

I went over to Lila, Sophie, and Dwight's house to get ready. We were jamming out to music, eating pizza, getting beautified, the usual. I was trying to be optimistic about the night because I usually dislike New Years and the pressure it creates to have an incredible time. Also, as you well know, I was the 11th member of the group of married, engaged, and recently ex-ed (Lila and Nathan) couples.

Thank goodness for alcohol!! That made things a whole lot better in my mind. I got to the bar right when we walked in and ordered a jack and coke. Impressed? Thought so. They didn't have any jack, so we did Captain spiced rum. A guy who was standing with me ordered the same. Probably would have been a good time to chat him up about our like drinks, but I was too excited to mentally prepare myself to flirt on the fly.

The group went upstairs where we talked and hung out. There was a bartender who I nicknamed Jim Halpert because he looked just like him from a far. SO cute! I beelined to him for my next drink and when he looked up and into my eyes I saw that he was 12 years old. Okay, obviously and legally he cannot actually be 12 years old, but my goodness he sure looked it. I continued to go to him for my drinks because I thought heck, why not be Mrs. Robinson tonight?! I am already an outcast in my own party. I can seduce a young man if I want.

A friend and I walked downstairs at one point b/c the DJ was playing my song. We danced until the song ended and then decided to go back upstairs. The group continued to talk, drink, eat. At 11:50, Sophie, Dwight, and I went downstairs to find me a man to kiss. It was tough. The whole floor was packed and everyone was wildly anticipating midnight. Sophie spotted a tallish man with very stylish glasses. She yelled, "Him!" I was a little unsure, but I think part of that was related to the idea of kissing a complete stranger. The DJ announced that we had 5 minutes left. Sophie just about pushed me towards the man and I took a swig of champagne and said hello. I asked him if he had anyone to kiss at midnight. He said no. I asked him if he would like to kiss me. He said yes. Then he asked me where. I pointed to the floor and said, "here." And he said, no where do you want to kiss. I felt dumb, but didn't care that much. I pointed to my lips and he seemed a little shocked, but in a good way. He asked me where I was from and I said Arlington. I asked the same question and he said Macedonia. What? Macedonia? Okay...I asked him if that was near Turkey. He was surprised that I knew and wanted to know how I knew that pivotal piece of information. I told him that my brother-in-law is from Turkey. He said that he didn't know what that meant and that he had never understood American relationships. I explained that it meant my sister's husband. Luckily we heard the DJ start counting down from 10 and once we all hit 1, I leaned in and gave him a big kiss. Probably lasted 5 seconds. Not nearly as long as Lila's. I said happy new year and then walked back upstairs with Sophie and Dwight. And then I went to my 12 year old for another drink. I think I was the 1st to greet him with a happy new year because he smiled and returned the sentiment.

We left about an hour later due to problems caused by other guests that were unknown to us at the time.

All in all, it was a pretty solid night. I had a great time before and after midnight, and I had a kiss at midnight. Done and done in my book.

Plus I didn't get roofied or raped, so cheers 2010!

He's Just Not That Into Me

Sophie and I will attend a book club meeting on Friday evening for He's Just Not That Into You and watch the movie.  I received my copy of the book about five years ago from my cousin Nina and, in her inscription, she referred to it as "The Bible" for women.  Unfortunately for Nina, she hasn't followed any of the advice that the book gives and now she's "forgiven" her cheating spouse, but that's not really a story for today.

When I got home from dinner with Marchella last night, Sophie was nearly finished with the book.  I think that she read it right after I did all those years ago, but she hadn't revisited it since then and I hadn't reread it since more than a year ago when I was unsatisfied with Charlie and our relationship.  The problem is that while the book is great for looking back on past relationships and seeing why they didn't work out, it's hard to apply the common sense logic to current situations because we, as women, make excuses for men and want to believe that they like us.

I started reading it last night and hit the chapter on break ups.  I think that one of the key themes is "It's called a break up because it's broken," (also the title of another book by Greg Behrendt) and it was like a slap in the face as I applied it to myself and Nathan.  My heart broke a little as Behrendt basically told me that if Nathan was that into me, he wouldn't have broken up with me.  Sure, he was into me and maybe if we lived near each other he'd be that into me, but we don't.  And he's not.  Behrendt proceeded to let me know that if I was The One, the 550 miles apart wouldn't matter and we'd still be together, so I guess the proximity thing isn't really an excuse.

While I was Googling the book, I came upon a book outline for Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others a book that focuses on different ways that some women are statistically more or less likely to marry than others.  One thing absolutely stood out to me and made me feel a bit ill; I sent the list to Sophie, so I kind of bet that this same thing stood out to her about me, too.

Women who marry refer to the men who broke up with them as losers. Women who don’t marry often make men who don’t reciprocate their feelings the center of their universe and still speak well of them.

Okay.  I wouldn't say that I make a guy the "center of my universe" after unreturned feelings; I would take that to mean being content to wait for the chance that the feelings will be returned one day and not to accept opportunities from different guys.  In the month and a half that Nathan and I have been apart, I've almost gone out with one guy and made tentative plans with another for next week.  And I've just been generally open.  But I do tend to speak well of guys that have hurt me when I think that there's a chance of "someday" with them...and I have to get over that.  It doesn't mean that I have to speak poorly of them, but I also don't have to excuse them--and they don't deserve "someday" with me, either.  They had their chance already and ended things because they either didn't really want me or they were willing to risk not ever being with me again.  And why would I want to waste my time on guy who has already made it clear that I'm not what he wants?  Anyway, I lean more towards making excuses for the guys than calling them losers (except in Charlie's case--I call him a loser or worse all the time) and I'm going to stop it.  Lila's having a breakthrough.

Despite the sucker punch, I'm glad that I read that chapter when I did.  I'd been toying with texting Nathan to remind him that he forgot about my blanket (or couldn't find it) because I really want it back!  It was a gift and it has kind of "saved" me a couple times when it was super cold outside, just because I always kept it in my car.  Anyway, after reading this I'm not going to bother.  I'm not going to contact him in any way and hopefully he won't visit anytime soon...because it's not a good idea for me to see him and I don't want to have to bow out of plans with my friends just because he'll be there.  He and I obviously just aren't meant to be, which hopefully means that there's still someone else out there who I am meant to be with and it'll be awesome when that happens.

In the meantime, I'll be here.  Dating and blogging away.

Dorothy is still in Kansas

Sometimes when I write these blogs, the boys are the ones making poor decisions, and other times it's me. This time, it's definitely me.

Back in the summer of 2006, I worked for a month at a camp in upstate New York. I met a guy that I have since nicknamed Kansas for the sole reason that he lives in Kansas. We became fast friends, as you do in those types of situations. Then one of the other counselors told me that Kansas had feelings for me. Well, that threw me off and I, with no self-control, started to have feelings for him. Pretty much b/c I thought he liked me. (It doesn't take much). Then things got real weird real fast and I started to understand that he actually did not have feelings for me, like I thought. So, I changed my attitude and expectations and we were back to being good friends.

Before camp started, he and I, and a few others, had planned to go to New York City after camp ended for a couple of days, and then Kansas would drive me home on his way back. At the very last minute, a girl (who also lived in VA) jumped into our plans, and joined the trip. And instead of it being just the two of us driving down to VA, it became the three of us. I was pretty disappointed, but there was not much I could do about it.

He and I continued to talk on the phone about every week or so during the summer and over the course of the year. We would talk late at night, on our way to class, early in the morning, really anytime of the day. We would talk about everything. And every time he called, my heart would flutter a few extra beats, just from old times. He would also say things that sounded like they held another meaning. For instance, "You are my favorite person in Virginia" or "Ok, love you, talk to you soon, bye!"

He started to date this girl and we also talked about her during our phone moments. And when he called me on my birthday that year, he was in the middle of a date with her! He even gave her the phone and had her talk to me while he finished bowling his frame. That was a bit bizarre for me.

In April, some friends from camp and I went to Philly b/c he was running in a race there. We all got together, ate dinner, caught up on life. Overall, had a wonderful time. At the end of October, Kansas sent me a text: "Isabelle. I am engaged." I was so happy for him, but I was also a little sad. Throughout the course of that year, we talked about wedding stuff in addition to our every day lives. He said that he wanted me in the wedding, but his fiance didn't know me, so it might be weird.

The wedding was set for July 5, 2008. I bought my plane ticket and his mom paid for my hotel room for the weekend. It was a great weekend and the wedding was a lot of fun. Another friend from camp went, so it was nice to have someone else to talk with, since Kansas was pretty busy that weekend. We did manage to hang out some, and regretfully, I had to leave. Plus they had a honeymoon to get to.

We've talked many times since then and he has come to the DC area for conferences. I've seen him twice in the past year. He continues to make comments that can be perceived as strange. For instance:

Kansas: Today is my 6 month wedding anniversary.
Me: Really? Wow, congratulations!
Kansas: Yeah, that means it's been 6 months since I've seen you.

The 2nd time he came into town, he brought his wife and we all went out to dinner with his extended family (paid by the family) and then to a comedy show (also paid by the family). He had texted me earlier that day to say that his aunt and uncle owned a hot tub and would I like to get in after the show. Another example of his strange comments.

Ok, now to the actual story! A few days ago, he mentioned that I should come and visit him. This is not really a spontaneous thing since I have to fly halfway across the country and probably take time off work. I was touched by the offer, but also a little weary about his severity. He can easily invite me and then it never work out b/c of all of the trouble that goes into it. It's like the perfect male situation. I was intrigued, so I started looking at different flight scenarios. I found one that works great with my work schedule and does not break the bank. I texted him yesterday asking if he was serious about me coming. He replied yes, and that he'd call soon. We talked a bunch last night about plans and I wanted to make sure it was cool with his wife, especially since it is Valentine's Day weekend. He said it was fine, and that I should go ahead and do it. I said "Ok, I am going down the stairs to buy my ticket." Then he said "wait." And that's when half of my heart broke a little; the other half saying, "I told you so." He wanted to check with his boss about getting us free tickets to see a basketball game that weekend. I am unclear as to why a free basketball game is the deciding factor to my visit. Why couldn't I have bought my ticket and then we see what can happen with the game? He said that he will let me know today what the answer is and then I will continue accordingly. Out of curiosity, I checked the flight price again this morning and it rose $80 dollars. So now if he does give me the green light, I have to pray the price goes down again, or shell out an additional $80 which probably could have been used on food for the weekend.

I am pretty sure that I am making a terrible, stupid, downright poor decision, but I am also pretty sure that I will go through with it. He means a lot to me, probably more than I mean to him, he kind of leads me on (knowing that nothing can happen since he is married and lives a 1000 miles away), yet I fall every time. It's frustrating that he can do this to me and that I allow it. I tell myself that my life is better with him than without him and that's why I put up with it, but I am sure there are people out there who disagree.

Less of a Tease?

I've successfully started backing off from The Fourth.  Pretty much by ignoring him, which makes me a terrible person, but I'm really doing it to save his feelings later.  On the night before New Years' Eve, he texted late to tell me to have a good time the following night; I thought that that was kind of weird because he'd have all the next day to do that.  I didn't respond because I was going to bed and...well, because I didn't want to respond.  The next morning on Facebook I saw that he had written on my wall that he wasn't going to work on NYE and that I should text him when I woke up.  I replied that he was lame (for not working) and that I'd try to text later, but that I didn't want to wake him up then--it was 5:30 in the morning.  But...I didn't text and didn't talk to him again until this morning when I came in to work...so four days.  He texted to wish me a happy New Year right after midnight on NYE, but I didn't respond to that, either.

Anyway, I think that this is good.  When I talked to him this morning, I was friendly but didn't flirt at all or mention guys or dating which could then lead into an unwanted conversation.  The most that I did was mention that I could wear my dress again when Dwight, Sophie, and I host a cocktail party later this month and told him that he should keep the date in mind for it.  I could have had the exact same conversation with anyone.  So...yay for me being less of a tease?

Talked to Ethan this morning about Nick; he said that I should wait until next week to go out with him because he took so long to call.  I might; this week is busier than next anyway.

And I Thought That Things Were About To Get Boring Again

Just got off the phone with Nick, the friend of Isabelle's roommate that I met at her Christmas party.  I was kind of shocked when I saw his name flash across my cell phone display, but I answered and talked to him for about fifteen minutes.  He reminded me that he had promised that he'd call and hadn't forgotten and I admitted to him that I had kind of written him off at this point.  He said that he'd been busy with Christmas stuff and visiting his parents down in South Carolina, which is an okay excuse but not a great one.  I mean, he could have called or texted anytime if he was really interested.

But whatever.  It's not like things are ever going to happen with Nathan, so I need to distance myself from him--and the best way to do that is with another guy.

Nick and I talked about our New Years' and he told me about his drunken escapades from Friday night (which involved him taking a cab home only to realize that he didn't have his apartment keys.  He had to climb up to his second floor balconey and break a screen to get inside while he was still drunk).  We also discussed our football teams and how my team is done and his will get into the playoffs if they win tonight--I promised I'd root for them (the Jets) because I hate the Patriots (sorry, Isabelle).

We're going to call or text later in the week and see about getting together to hang out.  I'm kind of excited, but I'm not expecting much.  As Sophie reminded me when I filled her in, Nick grabbed my butt, hers, and Isabelle's when he was drunk at the party when we met.  Oh well.  I get handsy when I'm drunk, too.  We'll see if this actually turns out to be a problem.

And, honestly?  I'd rather he be grabbing girls' butts than boys' penises.

High School Calling

Received a Facebook message today:

From: Sam
Subject:  Hellooooooooo!

"Just wanted to say HI and see how you are doing.  BTW I still have that crocodile you got for me and the boys fight over who gets to have it every night, so if i didn't thank you enough for it yet, THANK YOU."

Okay, wow.  Just...wow.  I thought that hearing from Chris was "blast from the past," but this is far older.  Sam is a guy that I had a huge crush on my Senior year of high school.  He and I had been friends from around Freshman or Sophomore year on, but I didn't get really interested in him until midway through Senior year...and I thought that he was awesome.  I mean, he wasn't super hot or anything, but he made me laugh and that's all that I really needed.

I've never been subtle when it comes to guys that I like (um, hi Nathan and New Years'?), but I was worse when I was seventeen years old.  I was on a committee for our school's huge charity danceathon and we would receive free stuff from one of our sponsors every once in a while during the planning stages.  I still have a t-shirt, but I don't remember if I still have my stuffed crocodile (except I've always called it an alligator) because I might have given it away this summer if it isn't still in my nightstand.  Anyway, I got two of the stuffed animals and gave him one.

I hung around him most of the night at the danceathon until we wound up sitting in the front seat of his car with the seats leaned back, making out with the windows completely fogged up in the parking lot...while the dance was still going on.  Because I was a committee member, I could come and go as I pleased, conveniently.  Anyway, he was the second boy that I kissed and the first I went to second base with.  I vaguely remember some of what happened because I've tried so hard not to think about it for so long--it was really embarrassing.  I think that he wanted a blow job and I wouldn't do it; he offered to put his hand down my pants, but I wouldn't let him do that, either.  I might have let him, but I was thankfully on my period, so I didn't have to try to decide.

And then...nothing.  I still liked him, but he didn't want to date me.  By this time we had two and a half months of high school left, so he told my "friend" Lena that he didn't want to start something when we were going to colleges in different states or something.  Really, though, as I found out over time, it's because he wanted sex and knew that he wouldn't get it from me.

I didn't hear from him again until about four years ago; he had e-mailed me randomly just to say hi and threw in "gotta go, the baby's crying."  That kind of astounded me.  Now he's married with a five-year old and one-year old because he got some girl pregnant in college.

My reply:

"Oh, that's so funny that you still have that!  I think that I just gave mine to Good Will this summer when I was moving stuff; if I'd known, I could have given it to your boys so that they wouldn't have to fight.

Anyway, I'm doing well; just work and living the life.  It was good to hear from you.  I'm so glad that you have such a nice family.  :)

See you on Mafia Wars!"

New Years' Eve

Okay.  It's taken me a few days to sit down and write about the other night because I've been lazy and parts of the night were embarrassing.  Let's get started, shall we?