Dorothy is still in Kansas

Sometimes when I write these blogs, the boys are the ones making poor decisions, and other times it's me. This time, it's definitely me.

Back in the summer of 2006, I worked for a month at a camp in upstate New York. I met a guy that I have since nicknamed Kansas for the sole reason that he lives in Kansas. We became fast friends, as you do in those types of situations. Then one of the other counselors told me that Kansas had feelings for me. Well, that threw me off and I, with no self-control, started to have feelings for him. Pretty much b/c I thought he liked me. (It doesn't take much). Then things got real weird real fast and I started to understand that he actually did not have feelings for me, like I thought. So, I changed my attitude and expectations and we were back to being good friends.

Before camp started, he and I, and a few others, had planned to go to New York City after camp ended for a couple of days, and then Kansas would drive me home on his way back. At the very last minute, a girl (who also lived in VA) jumped into our plans, and joined the trip. And instead of it being just the two of us driving down to VA, it became the three of us. I was pretty disappointed, but there was not much I could do about it.

He and I continued to talk on the phone about every week or so during the summer and over the course of the year. We would talk late at night, on our way to class, early in the morning, really anytime of the day. We would talk about everything. And every time he called, my heart would flutter a few extra beats, just from old times. He would also say things that sounded like they held another meaning. For instance, "You are my favorite person in Virginia" or "Ok, love you, talk to you soon, bye!"

He started to date this girl and we also talked about her during our phone moments. And when he called me on my birthday that year, he was in the middle of a date with her! He even gave her the phone and had her talk to me while he finished bowling his frame. That was a bit bizarre for me.

In April, some friends from camp and I went to Philly b/c he was running in a race there. We all got together, ate dinner, caught up on life. Overall, had a wonderful time. At the end of October, Kansas sent me a text: "Isabelle. I am engaged." I was so happy for him, but I was also a little sad. Throughout the course of that year, we talked about wedding stuff in addition to our every day lives. He said that he wanted me in the wedding, but his fiance didn't know me, so it might be weird.

The wedding was set for July 5, 2008. I bought my plane ticket and his mom paid for my hotel room for the weekend. It was a great weekend and the wedding was a lot of fun. Another friend from camp went, so it was nice to have someone else to talk with, since Kansas was pretty busy that weekend. We did manage to hang out some, and regretfully, I had to leave. Plus they had a honeymoon to get to.

We've talked many times since then and he has come to the DC area for conferences. I've seen him twice in the past year. He continues to make comments that can be perceived as strange. For instance:

Kansas: Today is my 6 month wedding anniversary.
Me: Really? Wow, congratulations!
Kansas: Yeah, that means it's been 6 months since I've seen you.

The 2nd time he came into town, he brought his wife and we all went out to dinner with his extended family (paid by the family) and then to a comedy show (also paid by the family). He had texted me earlier that day to say that his aunt and uncle owned a hot tub and would I like to get in after the show. Another example of his strange comments.

Ok, now to the actual story! A few days ago, he mentioned that I should come and visit him. This is not really a spontaneous thing since I have to fly halfway across the country and probably take time off work. I was touched by the offer, but also a little weary about his severity. He can easily invite me and then it never work out b/c of all of the trouble that goes into it. It's like the perfect male situation. I was intrigued, so I started looking at different flight scenarios. I found one that works great with my work schedule and does not break the bank. I texted him yesterday asking if he was serious about me coming. He replied yes, and that he'd call soon. We talked a bunch last night about plans and I wanted to make sure it was cool with his wife, especially since it is Valentine's Day weekend. He said it was fine, and that I should go ahead and do it. I said "Ok, I am going down the stairs to buy my ticket." Then he said "wait." And that's when half of my heart broke a little; the other half saying, "I told you so." He wanted to check with his boss about getting us free tickets to see a basketball game that weekend. I am unclear as to why a free basketball game is the deciding factor to my visit. Why couldn't I have bought my ticket and then we see what can happen with the game? He said that he will let me know today what the answer is and then I will continue accordingly. Out of curiosity, I checked the flight price again this morning and it rose $80 dollars. So now if he does give me the green light, I have to pray the price goes down again, or shell out an additional $80 which probably could have been used on food for the weekend.

I am pretty sure that I am making a terrible, stupid, downright poor decision, but I am also pretty sure that I will go through with it. He means a lot to me, probably more than I mean to him, he kind of leads me on (knowing that nothing can happen since he is married and lives a 1000 miles away), yet I fall every time. It's frustrating that he can do this to me and that I allow it. I tell myself that my life is better with him than without him and that's why I put up with it, but I am sure there are people out there who disagree.